These 8 weeks of school was not pleasant at all. We were all stressed up not because we have too much things to do yet we do not know what to do. It no longer keep me going, nothing motivates me and I'm losing my faith in it. I have no confidence in whatever i do and the tears explain it all. The stress that I had makes me cried for four hours straight, making my mum cry at the same time and for her to worry if I will suffer from depression. The decision of giving up keep flashing in my mind to the extent that i'm no longer joking about quitting school. But I know I shouldnt. I shouldnt waste my 2 and a half years not getting a diploma. I shouldnt waste the money my parents had spent on me as design school isnt cheap at all. The materials for my models and the money for printings are actually a bomb!

However, today's crit gave me a slit of light. I finally see some hope in it but I wouldnt say it's good because they actually have nothing to crit about. Everything seems so schematic. I even wouldnt want to compare my work with other atelier. I couldnt stop blaming of the wrong decision I made- the atelier I chose- but I have to live with it. These 3 weeks shall be short break for me, to get away from the stress and sorrows.

What else adds up to my sorrows? There's actually alot more. Life sucks totally!

To me, I cherish every friends that I have because they play an important role in my life. But because of the importance, I get sensitive and I dont deny that. How many times have my sensitiveness proven it. I'm sorry if i'm demanding and I'm sorry if I have got high expectations. What I simply want is the sense of belongings to someone else. I'm not a person who can give everything out and not wanting something in return. And for my friends, I can do whatever you want me to because I cherish you guys. I just dont want to play a single person role whereby i treasure everyone but no one actually does.. I agree that I have many friends in this journey of my life. However in putting the blame on me, am I really the one who let it go. True friends is not how long you have met and how close you guys were. But who came and never go....

Who knows? One day I may not have anyone to rely on.
Who stays?
Who left?
And who is really true to you?...

I wished I could share the burden with you. I'm sorry to be your burden!

I dont know what to say.
From the start I didnt want to escape. I just prolly wanted to stop the quarrel and let the misunderstanding go. I didnt mean let the misunderstanding stays. When we all know that its all a misunderstanding, why do we still have to clear it. We have cleared it therefore we conclude that it's a misunderstanding. And yes, by doing this, I didnt want to drag anyone with me but by judging people, by your assumptions and by telling the whole world doesnt help this matter at all. Once again, I said drop the topic, means stop. It really annoys me when one thing happen after another. I dont want any finger pointing or judgment in this. This will be the last time I'm going to say something related to this. I will leave!

Have been feeling healthy recently. Since last thursday, I have been running everyday without fail. I dont know where the motivation came from but I just want to use this time to keep my body fit. However, that's only physically healthy and not mentally.
There are too much problems around me recently. Probably the last holiday I have in Poly. After a tiring project and before the scary FYP that will be coming to me next term. I really want to enjoy this holiday fruitfully. But in order to enjoy, all we need is money. Be it staying in sg or overseas, we need.. MONEY! Have been looking for part time job but they keep dragging. We didnt have our confirmation yet. Planned for a bangkok trip with angela and xs in Oct so I really need a job!
However, a part time job needs people who can commit during the weekends. I'm very sorry to my bf because I need to sacrifice our weekends. I know he is very reluctant of me to work during the weekends but he gave me his full support. That's all I need. And this is the reason why I love him so much. For my selfishness and fun, he's willing to support me!

Next, which actually affect me the most are my friends. 8 years of friendship is really a long one. The memories we had can never be replaced. However, it didnt goes well. From the start, I didnt think about losing this friendship at all. We had explained ourselves once and it doesnt work. But since we came to a point that it's all a misunderstanding. So why not, put it down and just treat it as a misunderstandings. I didnt want to talk about it is not because I want to escape. I dont want this friendship to be hurt anymore. But well, the message wasnt bring through well. I dont know what to say anymore.. Its been 5 month and this matter was brought up. I see no point!Why bringing it up again? It doesnt help you see.

Life has been the biggest problem. University or work? But I have came to a decision which is to see my GPA this year. If I manage to get a 3.8 and abv this year, I'm going uni. If not. I shall work to gain experience. Well, this society is just about certificates. My parents have been worrying about me. They even asked me if I really want to continue pursuing this diploma because they feel that I cannot take the stress. I guess I have scare them during my breakdowns. Dont worry, I'm fine alright. These world are just too competitive. Which I really hates. Being competitive, you score. That is why it became a dilemma to me.

I really dont like the competitive world, the competitive life. I would prefer to work with people who are pursuing for the same thing yet helping one another. I agree humans are born selfish but there is a limit. I manage to finish my last term project because i have my friends. But somehow, there are people who are competitive to an extent that all they care is themselves and their work. And towards competitive people, I became cautious towards them. Because they are selfish to me, i cannot treat them with a positive mindset. This makes me being competitive as well. Competitive is good but please, it doesnt mean selfish. Sometimes when they were doing something good for me, I will tend to judge if they have any motive. I dont like, I dont want this mentality. I've treated you as my friend but do you? Have you think of this before? I dont know how you actually face me and talk to me as if nothing happens. I know it wasnt that simple. I dont know how must these friends are worth in your life. Nobody is alone, we all need friends. Dont you?

All these have been pondering in my mind for so long. It definitely affect me alot.

Hello September!

It hasnt been a good start for the september. Sometimes it is really hard to make one understand your thoughts because everyone thinks differently. However, I still hope there is still people out there who knows the reason behind the things I do. Especially my close ones. In these 3 years of studying in SP, the stress I had is too much for me that I breakdown all the time. But these breakdowns are somehow the way I relieved my stress and not because I'm forced to do it. Indeed I see grades as the most priorities but on the other hand, it is also a motivation for me to pull over. Sometimes i wish I could care lesser and enjoy the life I have now. But I just cant bear to sacrifice a little grades. Not even a little chance to let it slipped away. At this stage where I am, I just want to maintain the grades I'm having and of course if I could do better. I cannot let it go downwards after so much of hardwork. Also, I enjoyed too. Not only the when I received my grades. Just take the last project I had. Although there are tons of things to do, tons of unhappiness with others but I enjoyed the process of forming up my model and tgt with the bunch of friends. Grades are my motivation which maybe someone else has a different things that keep them motivated. And yes, that's mine! Who wouldnt want to slack all the way. Who doesnt want their everyday to be holiday. And who doesnt want their weekends to relax and rest after a long week. However, there is really too much to do. I didnt expect the start of september to be like this. I didnt expect our monthsary to be like this...

nevertheless, I have done my last submission for this sem! Really done with it and I got no more worries for the weeks after till school reopen. School reopen would be even more hectic because it's FYP! However, I dont want to slack my holiday away! I want to work and earn some money for a holiday and shop with my friends like crazy. A reward and a therapy after a term! Looking forward to that :)

happy 23rd months..

The second day after submission and the feeling is fantastic. This term was a nightmare throughout these 3 years in DID. We rant and we complaints, we cried and we laughed, all the pains and sorrows were over. Stayed in school everyday till late night, sometimes too tired that we need to cab home. We made it and we completed what we need to do with our bare hands. Some models were brought to workshop outside for cutting and some were done by banglas. This is all the unhappiness especially when we were there doing it ourselves. It isnt easy because those woods are really heavy. One day after another, we became weaker and weaker. From the first day we had all our energy to carry those loads to the day we could really grab something. Nevertheless, the group of friends have been a great help in this project. Humans are born selfish and I wouldnt deny I'm not. But from this project, you can really spot who are the friends who will stay by your side no matter how much they still have to do and willing to help you. I know this project wouldnt be completed if I'm working alone so I thanks all the people who had helped me!

I know I'm a sensitive person which sometimes make me think alot. But to me, this world is too complicated that I cannot do anything. I want to understand everyone around me, understand who is really there for me. i dont want to be someone who is not appreciated in the crowd and not knowing. I will leave if that isnt a place for me and I am more than willing to stay if im welcome. Therefore, I think and yes I think alot. However, throughout so many situations I know who are the ones who really understand me and I would say  there isnt much. Not even friends that I have know for 8 years. And I concluded that everyone is selfish because they only think of themselves first.

But, I have learn to let go. People stay and go. There isnt a way or a reason for me to stop them. Some are selfish in a way that they only think about themselves. Whatever they are unhappy with, the fault will lies on you. No matter how much you have helped them, no matter how you have been treating them. They do not see it. What they see is themselves as the right one and you, the one who have made a mistake and out you go!
And some, they only stay when they need you. They priorities what is important to them. If you are not their top priorities, uh-oh! wait for your turn then. However, you do not have to do anything because they will come to you when it is the time they need you.

Life goes on! and what we need to do is not to let these people affect your life. I'm glad that I still have a bunch of friends that are willing to share my tears and joy. last but not least. Someone who will never judge me for who I am. My bf <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

This week's weekend shopping trip was failed somehow but its okay, we spent quality time with his brother who is flying back to Australia tonight sadly. This bro of his is easy- going and sometimes I really joke with him like I have know him for long. I have always yearning for a elder brother and yup. I have been treated him like my brother. Time flies. I remember the last time I met him was half year ago then he came back for 2 weeks and today he is flying back again. No idea when he's coming back but he said should be another 1 year plus or so. Yea.. we will miss you dearly!

Its a Sunday night, the night that I miss baby the most. After spending two days together, it's the time i miss him the most.

Okay! Let it be just a short post as I'm too sleepy right now. Haven been doing any work so here I am, going to bed and not care about anything! :)

Before I get back to work, I want to rant for awhile.

I seriously hate the life I'm having and hate the surroundings I am in. Yes, the world is competitive and realistic. This is how we were shaped. But this is not the life I want to be. In this world, what you need is a cert (a piece of paper) and money. You can have everything you want with this 2 items. 'No money no talk'. This is so true. So what about going university? Do you learn more things if you studied more? Yes to an extent and for some courses. But what about design? It's all about experiences. I dont want to further my studies is because I cannot learn as much compared to working. Our projects are getting more and more useless. When everyone is doing the same thing using the 'formula' steps, wasting resources, wasting money, wasting time and creating unnecessary disagreements. Are these worth it?

Seriously, I dont like to be competitive. I'm never a competitive person in nature. But I have been shaped to become one. Because I clearly know that being competitive will make you better in terms of result. It is proven. Yes, I know it is not about result. Everyone said its about the process. Enjoying the process. But without scoring well, can you enjoy? When you got an A for your result, will you feel unhappy? An A makes everything worth it. Because of moderation, everyone becomes competitive.

However, other than all those, there is 3 person I want to thank the most in these few weeks. And they are my mum, my dear bf, Angela and Aaron. In terms of studies, Angela and Aaron have helped me alot. Without them, I wouldnt have worked so fast and catch up with the pace. Redo-ing everything is not an easy task. And yes, I will help you guys when I could. We can do it, even if we are doing it ALONE. Just 3 more weeks. For mum and bf, they are my motivation. The one who listens to all my rantings and encourage me whenever I'm not feeling good. They shower me with love and make me feel that life is not a total of darkness. Thankyou!

Had a great weekend with my dearest. Coming to my house early in the morning to wake me up. Though I felt reluctant to wake up because I'm yearning to sleep longer, I was happy to see him early in the morning. Tides were down and we got back to how we used to be. Thank you for not giving up on us and believe it will be over. Had a simple breakfast and headed to Jurong point. Wanted to watch dark knight but we didnt get there on time. Did some shopping and nothing catches his eyes. Went to his house but didnt do much things. However, we had quality time. I love these quality time. Just by playing around, walking around the house or napping. These are activities that we will feel bored if we were at home but when he's around, everything is different. These are what I meant by spending quality time. Do not need to go anywhere or whatever. Just by slacking at home, it is more than enough. This is the time when both of us start doing silly stuff that nobody will judge! We have been waiting for more than half a year for his brother's return. And yes, he came back from Australia today. The poor boy has no room to sleep tonight but I believe he is more than willing as an exchange for his dearest bro's return! :) 

The urge of giving up is stronger as days goes by. Never had I felt this strong. I totally lose interest in this project. Hanging there and not moving on.

I know that I'm supposed to be rushing my work now but I need to rant again before I can focus. Yes, like I said, I need to consult sooyin and today I managed to consult her. My whole project was changed. What I have did are useless and now I need to do everything from scratch. I thought she will help me move on but nope, everything was changed. I got no idea if that is a good idea. Right now, im rushing against time. We got 4 models to do by 17 august. How am I suppose to do?! I feel so helpless. Whats more I'm doing concrete and I totally got no idea how to do it. All I know is that it is very time consuming. Each set of work needs 24 hours to dry before I can do anything. Seriously, I feel hopeless. I feel like giving up and just start my models using the old design. At least, I know I can get a full submission. Right now, I really got no confident. How am I suppose to do up all my graph within a week and it is not something that is right at the 1st time you doing it.

I cried infront of them today. Pk kept quiet but I know he is trying to help too. I'm feeling so unfair, unfair about why am I deserving all these. I got A for interim but what is the purpose of that when you know you are doing the wrong thing. You see. From the start I dont feel good for what I am doing. I tried to ask for help but sooyin was too busy. Elaine Pk and chris gave me assurance so i got no choice but to keep doing. I even went to find jonathan for help regarding software. Using my time to figure out and try lofting my model even though I was lost at that time. There isnt a meaning of me keep doing it anymore because, everything is useless now. It is easy to say that it is a learning process. Yeah, I'm really trying to do whatever I can but deep inside me, I felt so stress, i felt so helpless and i felt so unfair. Have I not tried enough. I'm not blaming anymore. No one is to blame. But i really dont know what I did to deserve this. Like what others always said, dont care, I just do what I am doing. But I cant. When I know I'm not on the right track, i wouldnt want to do it anymore. Please, give me more time. I want a complete and satisfied submission. I dont want my grades to be affected further. I need the grades.

I need to finish all my data, my graphs before I could start my construction. This will be hell for me seriously..

Big SIGH for this week. Ever since critique on monday, I have been slacking and procrastinate my work. It feels as if I got so much time for it. This is not the way I should be. Jengjeng! However, I got no motivation at all. It is too straightforward that it makes me lose interest in it. I need to consult sooyin seriously. She's the only one who can give me some motivation. From the start of the project, I have been consulting the pair of lecturers which make me feel no assurance at all. I dont want my work to just stop there. It needs something more than what it is. Though i felt that my work is very tedious, nobody knows about it till they experience it. Everyone has been saying, yours easy what. Just trace only. But nobody knows I have been joining each vertex one by one. Editing every frames, every single lines one by one. SIGH SIGH SIGH!

That boy is booking in soon and this time round I'm not sending him off as I need to at least do some work. We do find back the feeling we used to have but I'm still quite negative about it. I'm sorry. Give me some more time to have faith in this relationship. Im really very worried about every quarrels we have. I know every couples fight and I believe those relationship that last, they quarreled frequently. But it's a matter whether you can compromise with it or not. And yes, the word is giving in. It doesnt matter who gives in more but it's whether is there someone giving in. I wont say I give in alot because I know myself, I'm difficult to handle. Lets just give ourselves more time for it. But no matter what, I love you and always will :)

I'm sorry. I guess I still need time to adapt. The changes here and there is too big that Idk how to react at times

I have never got a wishlist but the urge of shopping keeps coming to me. Everyday I am whining to my mum that I want to go work, I want to buy so many things and go overseas with my friends!

Here's my wishlist.

DrMartens-Ramsey

Longchamp Planetes Medium Top Handle

Cheap Monday jeans

I WANT TO SHOP AND BUY WHATEVER CAUGHT MY MIND WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHTS!

etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc


ALRIGHT! Back to reality. Back to work! Stop dreaming pft!

Rainbow after every storm. I have been telling myself this no matter how negative I am. Eventually, everything has gone back to where it used to be. He's back! However, I'm still afraid, my heart can no longer be hurt any deeper. I can still remember the stares we gave, the cold voice in our head and the tears that had shed. It felt terrible!

Today i fell so deep. I couldnt forget what you have told me just now. It was a total stunned and disappointment. I didnt know I am this kind of person in your perspective. That was someone I dont know either. I am really speechless

This is how much I am thinking of you right now. I couldnt describe my feeling now but can you tell me that you need me, you love me and you miss me. I'm so afraid that it becomes impossible for us to get back together. Baby, I dont know what has been happening but is this what we really want. Can you tell me that I'm important to you. I dont wanna get replaced

How can you said that you are enjoying and at the same time you need me. Without me, with the cold war we have, you can still enjoy yourself. Thanks, you hurt me deeper today

Back to blogging I guess. As I'm emotional, I tend to spam my twitter and facebook but at the same time, I'm afraid people get irritated by me. Therefore, blog is the only place for my rantings. I miss you so much yet I couldnt meet you. I dont want things to get solved so easily again- by forgetting. Sometimes it just got so contradicting. I couldnt focus because I want to ask you what are you doing. I want to see you so much. My mum becomes the one who understand me the most now because my dad and my bf are the same. Mum is currently angry with him too. With his health problems, he still continues to drink and he wont control. Sigh! Baby, I miss you.

When we became too comfortable
When we became too used to each other
Do we even cherish the presence of one another..

My heart needs a break, a break from everything. Sometimes i was thinking.. When I dont get affected, I get lesser hurt but at the same time it means I'm not loving you as much. Is that what I want? But it gets more and more painful but do you know? Do you even know how am I feeling? We are no longer the same. I love you for who you are but sometimes I have to try very hard to accept every single things of you. Sometimes I just need a break but it became worse. Sometimes can you change for me for a day. I miss those times. Those times when we sacrifice every single thing yet we felt that it's worth it. Those times when we held every single minute we have. Is all these so difficult. I dont want to love you lesser and I pretty cant do so. Tell me, what should I do. Saying you love me and showing you really do are different. Maybe by drifting away from you can make you think of me even more. This is a bet that I'm placing and if things turns out different. Perhaps, I failed.

Armani chocolate that costs more than $60 ( from the 2 bosses)

Tshirt made for our supervisor

Gift from the office!

OHYEAH!

Back to blogging after 7 weeks of Attachment. Have been leaving my laptop in the office as I dont use it at home. 20 more mins before leaving this office and we said, we will never come back. It is a mixed feelings. I cant wait to leave this place but I cant bear the people there. Everyone there was good. Although we often called our lady boss, witch. I felt that she had maintain the company quite well. She even bought gift for us and ask the office to get us something! It was a regret that I didnt learnt much. After the first two weeks of intensive drawings, we didnt get to do much after that. Im so sick and tired of dimensioning. Afterall 7 weeks had past! Bought presents for our bosses and stickies for our colleagues. Tomorrow we are granted a day leave with attendance marked ")

Goodbye, Suying..